Those Hands
by losamantesclandestinos
Summary: Set after Surrendering Noah, Benson reflects on her partnership with Nick Amaro and has a few words with Fin. One shot.


Disclaimer: _Characters and recognizable quotes are not mine. They belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. Lyrics from "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan._

Author's Note: _The finale hit me like a sledgehammer, it hurt like hell, so this is the result of my tears. I'm sorry if it isn't terribly good, it was written with more emotion than technique and finesse so sorry about that. Much love to all the SVUDieHards who inspired me to write this. And all my love to Danny Pino - we will miss you so much._

 **Those Hands**

 _And I will remember you_  
 _Will you remember me?_  
 _Don't let your life pass you by_  
 _Weep not for the memories_

The night is quiet in the precinct of the 1-6. The day shift has gone and now those who are working the nights are buzzing quietly about their business. Olivia Benson is standing at her office door, looking out over the nearly empty squad room, her gaze focused on a desk that used to be where her partner used to be. And she is thinking about hands.

You can tell something about a person by their hands. At least Olivia Benson can. In her line of work, noticing the details is important. And one of the first things she notices about people is their hands. After all, she shakes a lot of them. Part of the job – you shake hands with people you love and people you despise. And eventually you pick up clues about a person from their hands.

Amaro's hands were kind hands, roughened by years of work on the street and working to help provide for his family when growing up. They were calloused hands but they were gentle. Those hands had pulled her out of the darkness of the beach house where she'd been assaulted by William Lewis into the light of the sun.

They had put a blanket around her when Lewis had shot himself, splattering his bone, his flesh, and his blood all over her. They had embraced her when she thought she was losing her mind in those blood red days, when the nights and shadows spilled into her days, and she almost succumbed to her demons. The tigers play fiercely in the murkiness of night.

And the same hands which gently pulled her out of Lewis's grasp had helped her climb out of the darkness when she had lost El. She had fought him with all her might but Amaro had dug a niche in her life and had gently settled there. During those first years, Olivia had never dreamed she'd be able to carry on without Elliot, who had been her rock, her compass...and, if she was honest with herself, her first real love.

But Nick had been patient, had waited, had kept chipping away. And before she knew it, she was moving on, carrying on...she had been okay. She had survived. And they had gotten comfortable, she and he, and he had become as much a part of her life as that much needed triple espresso in the mornings.

 _You are a good partner._ She had told him once. And he was.

What would she do without him?

There's only been one other time that she's felt this hollow, this scooped out. One of her limbs are gone and it's going to be strange trying to function without it.

Four years ago she had to pack up this same desk and gently put the memories of a twelve year partnership away in a box. It's funny, really, how much those small cardboard boxes can contain. The boxes themselves are not that large but they're filled with all the memories of years of partnership. The smiles, the laughter, the tears, and of gentle touches on the arm and warm embraces.

The hands of her saviors.

 _Nothing changes, except what has to._

There are tears in her eyes as she looks over at the desk where Nick Amaro used to sit. His absence is a gaping hole in the fabric of her squad, just as El's was those many years ago.

" _I grew more in my last four years with you than I did in the 12 years I was with him. You know, that relationship, whatever it was, didn't allow for anything else. But with you, your support, I have a family."_

El had been her center for so long. Losing him had nearly destroyed her and accepting a new person at his desk had been painful and difficult. But Amaro had made his own way. He was not Elliot and never would be. But that was okay – he'd been what she had needed at the time she needed it most.

 _You helped me grow._

And now he was gone. Like the others. Cragen, Munch, El, Casey – all of them gone. She's the one who has lasted the longest, which really is a miracle in itself, given that most only can make it two years on this squad. Amaro made it four.

 _Liv, I appreciate you saying that._

Nick's face had been so sad. He didn't want to go. But with no chance at making Sergeant, his knee shot, and his family across the country…really, what could he stay for? Olivia would never ask him to stay for her, even though a large part of her just wanted to tell him not to leave.

 _Please don't go. I need you. We all need you_.

She kept the words to herself, knowing they were words she could never say. Not to him.

She had to let him go. Their paths were diverging now; his story here was done.

"Workin' late?" Fin comes up behind her.

"Yeah." She says. She doesn't have the heart to go home yet – even though Noah is there and he's her brightness. She just wants to take a moment and look at the place where Nick used to be. Her partner. Her friend for life.

"I don't blame him." He says suddenly. Fin, more than most, usually can tell what's on her mind without her even saying a word. "I probably would do the same."

"Neither can I." She sighs. "Doesn't make it any easier, though."

"Goodbye, old guard, hello to the new."

"Again." They exchange a look of understanding. Both of them, they've been through it before, new kids will come in and new kids will go. It's the cycle of life.

"Ever think of leaving?" She asks, partly out of curiosity, partly to reassure herself that at least Fin isn't going anywhere.

"Hell, yeah. Many times." That's what she likes most about Fin, there's absolutely no bullshit.

"Why haven't you?"

He shrugs. "What would I do sitting on my ass in retirement? Manage Munch's bar? Can you imagine what a pain in the fucking ass that would be? And starting something new this late in the game? Hell no. Plus," he adds, a slight smile on his face. "What would you do without me?"

"Let's not find out." Olivia smiles wearily. "At least not for awhile."

"I'm not goin' anywhere." He responds. "I got your back."

"Thanks, Fin." The tears are hard to hold back and he puts a roughened hand on her shoulder. Both of them have said too many goodbyes.

 _Nothing changes except what has to_.

"There's always Skype." He says suddenly.

"Yes, there's that." Olivia replies, to fill the heavy silence.

But it's not the same and they both know it. Only time will tell if they still keep that place in each other's lives, the place that is uniquely their own.

"I think I'm gonna go have a drink." Fin says suddenly. "Wanna come? On me."

"I think tonight I just want to be with Noah." Olivia smiles wanly. "I need him."

Fin looks at her with understanding. "I get you." He pats her on the back as he walks off. "You know where to find me, Liv."

"I do. Always." She smiles warmly at him. Fifteen years and there is no need for extraneous words between them. He knows her. Sometimes more than she knows herself.

"Goodnight, Fin."

"Night, Liv. Take care of yourself. Tomorrow's another day."

A start to something different. The new normal. Whatever that's supposed to be.

"You do the same."

He nods and walks out of the squad room. And all is quiet once more. The only sounds she hears are the rustling of paperwork from people still working, an occasional shout turning into a whisper, and the shutting of the doors.

The silence feels so empty now.

Olivia walks back into her office, taking one last look at the desk. Walking over to her desk, she picks up the shining object near her computer.

Amaro's badge.

He's really gone.

And it's really sinking in.

She's going to have to start over, figure out the newness of it once more. Part of her wonders if she has the strength to do it all over again.

 _I think of all the unis, all the kids in the squad room, and all I can think of, is that I'm so tired_.

But as the tears finally start to roll down her face, she looks over at the picture of her son. The miracle she never thought she'd be given.

Noah's hands are soft and gentle. And they're full of love. His are healing hands. And she remembers that Amaro has helped bring her to this point.

 _I have grown because of you._

 _I have a family, thanks to you_.

It's then she knows she'll be all-right. She told Nick once that they would make it through together. And they will. It will be new, it will be different, but they will make a place for one another in this new story of theirs. What type of place it will be, she has no clue.

They'll figure it out.

 _Squad is family. And family never forgets._


End file.
